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Is being selfish in a relationship appalling or appealing?

February 3, 2016 5:25 am | Published by | Leave your thoughts

In the past, being selfish is a relationship was frowned upon. People have been conditioned to think that relationships are about being selfless and that putting your partner’s needs and desires before yourself demonstrates your love. The belief that the more you give unselfishly of yourself, the more your partner will love you, is faulty. People have been led to believe that making self-sacrifices and compromising their own needs and beliefs are key elements to a happy relationship. Relationships have been set up to have unrealistic virtues that do not equate with people’s true nature of striving to satisfy the Selfish Self.

Formal marriages started with the concept that, in the presence of a witness, two people wold join in Holy Matrimony. Traditionally, marriage was a religious Holy Statement that bound two people in the presence of God. This meant these two people would have a monogamous relationship and would produce children, living their lives under the guideline of religious commandments and faith.

If you examine some examples of wedding vows, it is clear that some traditional religious marriage beliefs are filled with ideas of being selfless, obedient, compromising and self-sacrificing.

Today, these beliefs have caused relationships to have disastrous outcomes. It is because being selfless, obedient, compromising and self-sacrificing conflicts with true human nature. People don’t want to be weak and selfless in relationships. They want to feel in control and empowered with a strong sense of ‘self’. Hence, The Selfish Self represents that inner part of you that wants to optimise what you can get out of a relationship.

So what is the Selfish Self all about?

It is you, the very heart of who you are. The Selfish Self is the driving force that motivates you throughout your life. The Selfish Self is your self-esteem, it is your sense of self-worth and it is your self-respect. Until now, being selfish has had a derogatory meaning. The truth of the matter is that everybody is selfish. A healthy selfishness drives you through life with passion and enthusiasm. Life is about pursuing satisfaction and enjoying the emotional rewards of accomplishments. The Selfish Self is a term that represents the deep inner self that constantly strives to make you feel good about yourself and your life. This is the reference point by which you assess whether what you are doing is working for you, if it makes you feel good or bad. Like it or not, life is selfish because your life is about you.

So, whether you are in a relationship or looking for a relationship, you should apply the same concept. The purpose of having a relationship is to enhance your life. Therefore look for relationships that enhance your life not to make your life worse or provide an environment where you are miserable.

When you are engaging in a relationship, you should be constantly turning to the Selfish Self, that deeper part of you that instinctively wants what is best for you, and asking the Selfish Self, am I being fulfilled and rewarded by this relationship, or is it doing me harm? Is this relationship harmful to me physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally?

If you are facing these challenges please call me 0415 392 009 or email confidentially hello@helenowen.com.au and through carefully guided counselling sessions I can bring back the self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect you and your relationship deserves.

“I cannot compromise my respect for your love. You can keep your love, I will keep my respect.”

― Amit Kalantri

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